Embracing the Crypto-Anarchy Ahead

Ah, the penny—a coin so insignificant that finding one on the street feels more like littering than luck. Yet, here we are, embroiled in debates about its demise. The U.S. Mint spends 3.69 cents to produce a single penny, effectively making it the anti-profit coin. In a move that screams fiscal responsibility (or perhaps just screams), President Trump has ordered the cessation of penny production, labeling it a “stupid” expense.

But before we pop the champagne and toast to our newfound economic prudence, let’s consider the unintended consequence: the rise of the nickel. Without pennies, merchants and consumers will lean on nickels for small transactions. Here’s the kicker—each nickel costs 13.8 cents to produce. So, in our quest to eliminate a money-losing coin, we might just be doubling down on an even bigger fiscal black hole.

From Pennies to Digital Dreams: The Crypto President’s Vision

Enter President Trump, who, after a metamorphosis rivaling Kafka’s best work, has become the “crypto president.” Once a skeptic, he’s now spearheading the creation of a national cryptocurrency reserve, aiming to position the U.S. as the “crypto capital of the world.” The plan includes a diverse portfolio of digital assets like Bitcoin, Ethereum, Solana, XRP, and Cardano.

This pivot to digital currency isn’t just about embracing technological innovation; it’s about sidestepping the quagmire of physical currency production costs. Why fret over the expense of minting nickels when transactions can be reduced to the ethereal dance of electrons?

The Glorious Future: A Society Without Money

And this, dear reader, is the tipping point. With cash gone, why stop at currency? Why not go full send and eliminate all forms of wealth disparity?

Picture it: A post-monetary utopia, where no one owns anything, and yet, everyone has what they need. Gone are the class divisions that poisoned humanity for millennia. No more desperate scrambles for rent money, no more billionaires hoarding wealth while the rest of us debate whether guacamole is worth the extra charge.

Private property? A relic of the past. The means of production? Shared equally by all. The state? Dissolved into a cooperative of the people. No need for money, just a grand, anarchic dance of mutual aid and human potential. We will abolish scarcity, abolish wage labor, abolish financial stress itself.

The transition is already happening—digital currency was just the first step. Soon, the very idea of “personal wealth” will become laughable. The ultimate dream: a stateless, classless society where everyone contributes as they can and takes only what they need. The perfect balance of order and chaos.

This is it. The final destination. We’re not just getting rid of pennies. We’re getting rid of capitalism itself.

…Oh. Wait.

Huh.

No money. No private property. No government. No individual wealth.

That sounds… oddly familiar. Like something out of a Cold War-era history book.

Oh no. Oh no.

We’re not heading toward a utopian anarchist paradise. We’re heading straight into Soviet Russia.

Oh god, Trump is leading us into a Putin-approved crypto-communist nightmare.

First, we let go of the penny, then the dollar, and before you know it, we’re all standing in line for government-issued cheese rations, whispering “please, sir, may I have another” in perfectly unaccented Russian. The national anthem has been replaced by an NFT of Stalin breakdancing with the Doge, and Elon Musk has fled to Mars, leaving us behind to toil in the state-run Bitcoin mines.

Time to Backtrack—Save the Penny! Save Capitalism! Save… Something!

We can’t let this happen. We were so focused on eliminating inefficient currency that we accidentally slipped into full-blown communism. We can’t go down like this.

Forget getting rid of the penny—we should bring back the half-penny just to prove how much we love capitalism. We should make custom commemorative nickels featuring Ronald Reagan giving a thumbs-up just to really hammer it home.

Because if we don’t… well, we all know what happens next.

One day you’re swiping your phone for a Bitcoin transaction, and the next, you’re calling your neighbor “Comrade Chad” and standing in line for state-approved toilet paper.

Frankly, I’d rather just keep my pennies.