TL;DR: America, But Make It Chaos
- The federal government is downsizing
- States are now on their own.
- What’s next?
- States will become self-run fiefdoms—some thriving, others… not.
- Corporate-sponsored public services (hope you like “Taco Bell presents: Fire Department”).
- How to survive:
- Treat Mad Max as a training manual.
- Bet on the next absurd policy.
- Laugh—it’s cheaper than therapy.
Hold on tight. The wheel’s gone, and the car’s still moving.
Imagine waking up one morning to find that half your coworkers have mysteriously vanished, the rules of your workplace have changed overnight, and no one is really sure who’s in charge anymore—but somehow, you’re still expected to be productive. Now, imagine that happening on a national scale. That’s where we are.
Since his return to the White House in January, President Trump has embarked on a whirlwind campaign to reshape the federal government, implementing a series of rapid and sweeping changes that have left many Americans both bewildered and concerned. Whether this is a heroic act of bureaucratic decluttering or the administrative equivalent of setting your own house on fire to avoid vacuuming depends entirely on who you ask.
Last week, the Department of Education was on the chopping block, where over 1,300 employees were unceremoniously shown the door. The administration framed this as a victory for state rights, an effort to return control of education to local governments. In practice, this means 50 different sets of rules, curriculums that vary wildly, and no federal oversight to ensure, say, children in one state aren’t being taught that dinosaurs were a liberal hoax while children in another are learning quantum mechanics in the second grade.
However, education is only one of the departments that is seeing massive overhauls. The Postal Service, one of the largest employers of Black Americans, is on the chopping block with CEOs of private companies drooling over the prospect, each one giving their best Mr. Burns impression. If this happens, expect mail delivery to function like a luxury airline—expensive, inefficient, and prone to sudden cancellations for reasons no one understands. Meanwhile, the government agency tasked with overseeing diversity, equity, and inclusion programs was obstreperously erased from existence. Offices were dissolved, contracts canceled, and thousands of federal employees working in DEI initiatives were expunged from the government’s memory. And if you’re part of a marginalized group, buckle up: federal protections for LGBTQ+ individuals—particularly transgender people—are vanishing faster than a Schumer’s integrity. Transgender women in federal prisons are already being moved into men’s facilities or placed in solitary confinement, and protections against workplace discrimination have been quietly stripped away.
Even money isn’t safe from this wave of change. The administration recently announced the elimination of the penny, a decision ostensibly made to reduce minting costs. While this may seem like a minor footnote, it’s just another way this administration is reshaping everyday life. The U.S. economy is also in the midst of a trade war revival, as Trump imposed a 25% tariff on steel and aluminum imports from all countries, effective March 12. This has already driven up consumer costs and provoked international backlash, with the European Commission responding with counter-tariffs on $28 billion worth of U.S. goods. A growing movement to boycott American products overseas suggests that economic fallout may only be beginning.
While all of this was happening, the military saw a shakeup of its own. Several top military leaders were fired without clear reasoning, replaced by officials more aligned with the administration’s shifting policies. Critics warn that this kind of instability in leadership weakens national security, but for now, the Pentagon seems to be operating under a “trust the process” mentality, which is generally not what you want from the people responsible for missile launch codes.
In yet another bold move, funding cuts have been proposed for the Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Security Agency, even as the White House nominated a former U.S. Coast Guard officer, Sean Plankey, to lead it. This means we now have the digital equivalent of hiring a security guard while simultaneously turning off half the alarms. Cybersecurity experts are raising concerns, but given how quickly everything else is shifting, the warnings may just get lost in the noise.
And if you thought climate change was on anyone’s radar, think again. The administration is pulling funding from the Mauna Loa Observatory, a crucial hub for monitoring global greenhouse gas emissions. Because apparently, if you stop measuring CO₂ levels, they simply stop existing.
All of this paints a picture of a government being rapidly deconstructed in real-time. Some of these moves are ideological, others are economic, and some are just head-scratchingly bizarre. What’s clear, though, is that in just two months, America has started looking very different from what we knew before.
What This All Means: The Future of a Decentralized America
If you’re feeling disoriented, that’s completely normal. What we’re witnessing isn’t just policy change; it’s a fundamental restructuring of what the federal government is and does. The federal government, once a behemoth overseeing everything from education to economic regulation, is shrinking at a rate that suggests either a bold new vision or a controlled demolition. Either way, the power vacuum it leaves behind is shifting responsibility to the states, and what that will look like is anybody’s guess.
For decades, the federal government provided a (somewhat) consistent framework for laws, protections, and services. Now, that glue is peeling away, and states are about to become self-contained fiefdoms, each operating under its own rules, priorities, and—most importantly—budget constraints. Wealthy states with robust economies may thrive, reinforcing their infrastructure, schools, and public services, while poorer states could struggle to provide even basic governance. If you thought there were already stark differences between states, wait until half of them have universal healthcare while the other half still debates whether books should be allowed in schools.
Without a strong federal presence, everything—education, healthcare, infrastructure, labor rights, civil rights, and even basic public services—will hinge entirely on state-level governance. That means wildly different laws and social structures depending on where you live. In some places, businesses might rush in to fill the gaps, creating a privatized society where road maintenance is sponsored by Coca-Cola, public parks require a subscription fee, and calling 911 comes with a service charge. In others, grassroots and community-led initiatives may emerge as new forms of governance, giving rise to a modern version of city-states, where local cultures and economic strength dictate the quality of life more than national policies ever did.
The long-term impact of these decisions will depend on how effectively individual states can manage their newfound autonomy. Some may adapt, innovate, and thrive, while others may collapse under the weight of unfunded responsibilities. The phrase “land of opportunity” may take on an entirely new meaning—if you don’t like how things are run in your state, your best bet might be to move to another one. Instead of red and blue states, we may end up with a map divided between functional governments and, well, Florida.
The United States has always been an experiment in balancing state and federal power. This new chapter is a test of whether a country of fifty separate (and often contradicting) policies can function as a single nation. What’s coming next isn’t just decentralization; it’s fragmentation. Whether that’s a return to true American individualism or the start of a chaotic, privatized free-for-all depends on who steps up to shape this new landscape.
What Can You Do?
Okay, now that we’ve walked through the twilight zone of modern governance, what’s the game plan? How do you survive, adapt, and—most importantly—maintain your sense of humor when the world feels like a satire of itself?
- Start a Side Hustle as a Carrier Pigeon Trainer
With the USPS potentially privatized, mail might soon be priced like airline tickets—confusing, expensive, and prone to delays. Get ahead of the game by training pigeons to deliver messages. Bonus points if you can teach them to throw shade at political opponents mid-flight. - Invest in “Chaos Bonds”
If Wall Street can make money off hedge funds and short-selling disasters, there’s no reason you can’t create your own financial scheme. “Chaos Bonds” are a new currency you trade based on the likelihood that something ridiculous will happen next. Example: “I bet $50 that next week Trump announces the Department of Weather will be abolished because hurricanes are just liberal propaganda.” If it happens, you win! - Make Friends with a Librarian
With the Department of Education in decline, it’s only a matter of time before formal education gets weird. Libraries might soon be the last bastion of factual knowledge. Befriend a librarian now before they go underground and start charging for access like black-market information brokers. - Get Really Good at Arbitrary State Laws
As federal oversight shrinks, each state will start making up its own rules at an unprecedented rate. By 2026, it’s entirely possible that crossing a state line without singing the state anthem will be a felony in one place, while in another, unpaid traffic tickets will be settled through gladiator combat. Stay informed, and always pack a variety of disguises. - Rebrand Yourself as a “Survivalist Influencer”
People love watching influencers prepare for the apocalypse. Why not capitalize on the trend? Start a YouTube channel where you teach people how to navigate a post-government world. First episode: “How to Print Your Own Money Without Getting Arrested (Maybe).” - Laugh in the Face of Absurdity
Ultimately, the best way to survive all of this is to embrace the chaos and keep a sense of humor. We may not know what America will look like in five years, but we do know this: It will be weird. Very, very weird. And at some point, we’ll all have to decide whether to cry about it or laugh. I suggest laughing. Loudly. Preferably while wearing a ridiculous hat.
So buckle up, America. The ride is bumpy, the rules are changing by the minute, and absolutely no one is holding the wheel. But hey, at least it’s never boring.
